Where there’s a will, there’s OY VEY
No dreams of shopping as isolation insomnia has driven me to eating salmon bagels at 4.30am. But that’s not the worst of it. Far more aggravating is being roused from slumber by the news.
Note to self: Don’ t use the TV as a pacifier, as the story about Italian women demanding a bigger role in dealing with their country’s Covid response had me reaching for a pen, not the remote. Known as Dateci Voce (give us voice) the group has Sophia Loren’s stylish oomph and, knowing how well countries run by women have done, now seek potere della ragazza (girl power).
Sure there are male leaders who have coped, but the results of female-run Germany, New Zealand, Denmark and Taiwan are undeniable. We could split hairs about population sizes, but why not just admire how quickly they shut the front door? “Get inside now!” is of course a commonly used directive by mothers and, as the dawn chorus kicked in, I mused about the world missing a trick by not putting Jewish women in charge. One only has to ask a Jewish husband if his wife is suited for office and he’ll confirm she could nudge a population into submission.
Forgive the creaking Jackie Mason tropes, but Jewish mothers have been shouting ‘Stay Safe’ at their kids for years and they’ll know where their son is until he’s 92 – and if he’s wearing a vest.
Keeping tabs on the masses and insisting they don masks and gloves (labelled) wouldn’t be a problem as the Jewish woman has already beaten Boris to ‘Stay Alert’ as the go-to phrase when her man nods off during a plot twist.
She has also stocked up on loo roll since Costco opened, so politicians could learn from them and meydl macht (Yiddish for girl power) has a nice ring to it.
How much is that doggie?
Does the prediction for a population explosion post lockdown apply to puppies?
If so, the Jewish community has boosted its numbers with canine acquisitions. Not a day passes without a nice Jewish family posting pics of their new Cavapoo or Cavachon as this is officially the breed of the faith – which is bad news for abandoned greyhounds.
Illicit meet-ups for puppy handovers at Scratchwood service station have been happening for weeks and some Jewish men have driven as far as Somerset to collect a spaniel, just for time outside the house. It’s a hefty price to pay, as the Jewish interest in pups has pushed up the price and the long drive will be a mere memory when he’s wiping up little Cavapoo wees. Hope he knows a dog is not just for Covid.
A Bit of Bobbi Brown
It’s not wise to study the lockdown lifestyle of a gazillionairess, as choosing which study to work from is not a problem for most of us.
But Bobbi Brown is that nice Jewish make-up artist who worked her way up from waitress to creator of the definitive matte lipstick, so it feels right to look at her in isolation.
Turns out her husband Steven, son Duke and nephew Jeremy have taken up DIY and painted a room that led to “new light fixtures being chosen, ordered and installed by three Jewish men”.
Bobbi’s surprise at their achievement is shared by any woman who sends a Jewish man up a ladder and holds her breath till he comes down.
But that’s not all we want to know, so let’s cut to the organic kernel oil she uses on her face, along with Augustinus Bader’s super-hydrating rich cream (£120), which is also true of the price.
Bobbi is being incredibly healthy indoors while wearing the crazily named Wunder Under lululemon leggings and neon Asics trainers. What you take away from this is up to you, but I’ll be taking the Tito’s vodka she drinks each night.
Watching my daughter sift through her collection of theatre programmes is heart-breaking. With our Hamilton seats for 23 May converted to vouchers, every day without a live show tune is another day of unemployment for performers.
With her show Stepping Out cancelled, actress and producer Amanda Noar started online high kicks to Chorus Line’s One Singular Sensation, but has now recorded Alone Together, a song written and performed with her nephew Jamie Noar to raise money for Acting for Others.
“The entertainment industry is broken by this and my colleagues are out of work,” says Amanda.
“Acting For Others gives financial and emotional support to all theatre workers in times of need just like this.”
With introductions from Bonnie Langford, Gary Wilmot and others, the video for the song is on YouTube and you can donate at
Getting little ones to sleep is tough for parents aching for the school bell to ring, so how about reading Harry Potter in Yiddish? You could test your accent skills by replacing Hagrid’s West country with the voice of a Polish zayde. The Yiddish edition of Harry Potter sold out on its first two print runs but a third is now available. Just remember not to laugh when you read about Harry’s classmate Neville Longtuchus, or they’ll never go to sleep.
America is set to open its cinemas in accordance with its state public health safety guidelines on 1 July, but there is no news about our own big screens yet. Lucky, then, that two of the event industry’s most innovative minds are putting the finer details to a ‘Drive-In movie night’ in Watford. “Social distancing is still compulsory, but people feel safe in their cars,” says Max Hermet of Your Event UK, who invites those interested to register via the website.
“There will be room for 100 vehicles and an app to order food, which will be delivered to cars by masked servers,” adds Jay Sands of DJay Events. “It’s close to impossible to make any money doing this,” says Max, who has lent his vans and equipment to the NHS. “But I hope we can provide work for people and put on a good show.” So break out your inner Sandy and Danny and visit drivethroughcinema.com to register and follow the journey on Facebook.