Ask Delissa! Sorting the agonies of love, dating and relationships
Our agony aunt DELISSA NEEDHAM answers your questions. This week: Emerging from a long-term relationship
Delissa Needham is here to answer your relationship problems. She runs The Dateist, an advice-based dating site and has produced various shows for ITV, Channel 4, Discovery and Channel 5. Specialising in relationships and she is an agony aunt for Essex Radio.
Dear Delissa
Earlier in the year I finished with my long-term boyfriend of 9 years. Our relationship had become boring. He’s in his late 60s and not interested in doing much anymore – except moan about his health and money issues. I joined a dating agency and was looking forward to meeting somebody new and exciting.
Then lockdown happened. I would have been OK being on my own but my ex bought a house in my street last year, then at the start of the lockdown a woman moved in with him. She is someone we both know from the golf club. Now I see them together all the time, very loved up, I find it quite hurtful and its driving me insane.
I can’t sleep at night thinking about them together in his house. I hate going to the shop in case I bump into them. I haven’t been in touch with him since I ended it. Not being able to get away from it is making me ill. I feel the lockdown has made me a prisoner not just of my home but my feelings.
Jackie P – Hampstead
Dear Jackie
One of the consequences of this virus is that the lockdown has put all our plans on pause. And with you this means all your schemes to start afresh can’t go ahead. You literally can’t get away from your ex, and as a result it seems you are fixated on it in a way you need not have been had you been able to meet someone new.
My heart goes out to you because this situation is clearly a daily torture where even your home doesn’t bring you comfort. I did know of a lady who was jilted at the alter by the groom. He then moved in with another woman in a house in the same street. Every day she had to walk past that house – and it was a long time before she was able to move on, and when she did she was able to say ‘thank you’.
Her thanks were because not being married to him had meant new experiences – and eventually a new love. So do take heart that eventually you also will have new experiences and probably be able to say ‘thank you. But in the meantime how do we deal with the pain this situation is causing you. Let’s look more closely at what’s really causing that pain.
I’m sure that there are readers who will want to say that you ended the relationship so therefore what’s your problem – he has a right to see someone new. But that isn’t it – is it? You ended the relationship but what you didn’t expect to end was the friendship. And the friendship is what’s important here. That’s what you have lost and that’s what you are grieving. You say you haven’t been in touch since you ended it. Why not? Will it hurt that much just to reach out by email and say hello. Re-start the friendship but on new terms.
You have shared so much and understand each other – and you clearly still care for him and I would guess he feels the same. So why not hang onto those foundations of a friendship and continue to laugh, joke and enjoy the various things you have shared. This needn’t impact on his current relationship.
You haven’t said that you want him back so obviously you don’t so as long as you don’t give the wrong idea there is no harm in contacting him. He is happy with someone else and you will find it easier to accept that if you revive the friendship. Ask how he is and suggest a coffee when its next possible. Chances are you will remind yourself why it’s over while at the same time hanging on to what was special – the friendship.
I hope this will help diffuse a lot of the anguish and grief that you feel, and help you sleep better. I also recommend you get yourself involved in a project at home and find new experiences to take your mind of it – such as finding an online learning course in something that interests you. I also recommend you use your social media to connect with friends old and new. If you are still restless in the early hours of the morning, I find it helps to listen to audio books.
A story is very good for harnessing your mind and taking it to another place.
- Delissa’s book How I Met My Man is published in October.
Thank you for helping to make Jewish News the leading source of news and opinion for the UK Jewish community. Today we're asking for your invaluable help to continue putting our community first in everything we do.
For as little as £5 a month you can help sustain the vital work we do in celebrating and standing up for Jewish life in Britain.
Jewish News holds our community together and keeps us connected. Like a synagogue, it’s where people turn to feel part of something bigger. It also proudly shows the rest of Britain the vibrancy and rich culture of modern Jewish life.
You can make a quick and easy one-off or monthly contribution of £5, £10, £20 or any other sum you’re comfortable with.
100% of your donation will help us continue celebrating our community, in all its dynamic diversity...
Engaging
Being a community platform means so much more than producing a newspaper and website. One of our proudest roles is media partnering with our invaluable charities to amplify the outstanding work they do to help us all.
Celebrating
There’s no shortage of oys in the world but Jewish News takes every opportunity to celebrate the joys too, through projects like Night of Heroes, 40 Under 40 and other compelling countdowns that make the community kvell with pride.
Pioneering
In the first collaboration between media outlets from different faiths, Jewish News worked with British Muslim TV and Church Times to produce a list of young activists leading the way on interfaith understanding.
Campaigning
Royal Mail issued a stamp honouring Holocaust hero Sir Nicholas Winton after a Jewish News campaign attracted more than 100,000 backers. Jewish Newsalso produces special editions of the paper highlighting pressing issues including mental health and Holocaust remembrance.
Easy access
In an age when news is readily accessible, Jewish News provides high-quality content free online and offline, removing any financial barriers to connecting people.
Voice of our community to wider society
The Jewish News team regularly appears on TV, radio and on the pages of the national press to comment on stories about the Jewish community. Easy access to the paper on the streets of London also means Jewish News provides an invaluable window into the community for the country at large.
We hope you agree all this is worth preserving.
