Don’t judge me!
With TV’s favourite legal eagle Robert Rinder as his owner, French Bulldog Rocco is ready to unleash…
Under normal circumstances, a clerk would say “All rise” when I enter a room – but I’m dispensing with such formalities for the purposes of this column. Inevitably, the day to day of my owner’s professional life, along with watching him on TV (while snoozing), has had a significant impact on me, so apologies if I slip into court jargon.
Luckily I’m not under oath, so I can pretty much write what I like, but let the record reflect my constant need for a comfy cushion and Evian served at room temperature in my bowl. This is all on my rider, and worth remembering should you wish to book me as a guest speaker.
Like so many Jewish people (and pups), my life began in tenement poverty before the fateful day I found my forever owner. He chose to keep my name Rocco (officially Rocco Ben Fido Halevy) to remind us both of my humble beginnings in Manchester, though fortunately I exited the place before slipping into flat vowels (not that I’m judging). Let’s just say it was love at first nuzzle, when he (the one in silks) and I met as we bonded like smoked salmon and cream cheese.
I have subsequently acquired a taste for both since taking ownership of HIS house and picked up some of HIS traits, among them a love of food and HIS neurosis. Neither of us are keen on talking about age (him more than me) but when it is mentioned it is followed by a resounding “kinahora” or in my case “caninehora” followed by spitting. It’s an odd habit – even for an occasional drooler – but at the tender age of six and a half (42 for the four-legged) a French Bulldog is in his flirty prime (think Gérard Depardieu before he got fat) and, as such, I’m besieged by invites and cover shoot requests (see Pets at Home, March 2020).
Looking one’s best as a high profile hound is essential and I rely on my groomers at Whiskey’s for full mutt cover. I can certainly recommend the ‘Banana Facial’, which removes dirt and discolourations for those with such nasty issues and the mani/pedi is essential ahead of any paw modelling work.
It’s worth repeating that I took ownership of his house as everyone else just lives there. Visitors are advised to bring treats. For me! I prefer female company and notably those who wear good shoes as I’m in puppy love with red soles. Christian ‘Loubarktin’ please take note as I’d bite your hand off for a pair. Honestly I’m such a wag!
And so ends my first deposition. Regardless of the verdict, I’ll be back with more tails soon, when I plan to cover everything from the Talmud to the best doggie diners. Until then enjoy.
- Email a pic of your pet in its best Jewish pose to email@example.com
Dogs are mentioned 32 times in the Old Testament, though we’ve yet to ascertain whether Samson had a Shih Tzu or Abraham had an Alsatian. Only the Greyhound is mentioned by name and that’s in King James New Testament (Proverbs 30:29-31) though the word “greyhound” is actually translated from the Hebrew phrase for “girt in the loins”.
Despite their origin, Greyhounds don’t get a mention anywhere from Genesis to the Book of Samuel in the Old Testament as the dog of the day was the Canaan. It was the Canaan the Israelites used to herd and guard their flocks in the desert, and it’s still a favourite breed for the Bedouins. It’s amazing to think that the current batch of Canaans could be the doggie descendants of mutts who went on walkies with Moses. Though the breed was only recognised by the Kennel Club in 1970, its biblical heritage was confirmed by the excavation of a dog cemetery in Ashkelon that had 700 dog skeletons, all of which were anatomically similar to the Canaan. It is now a very rare breed, with only two or three litters born in the UK each year, so if you want the Biblical equivalent of today’s Cavapoo, you will have to wait.
A man walks into a pet shop and asks:
“How much is that parrot?”
“£5,000,” replies the shop owner.
“Why so much?” says the man.
“Because this parrot knows the Talmud by heart,” comes the reply.
The customer was impressed. “What about that parrot?” he asks pointing to another.
“It’s £10,000,” says the shop owner.
“Why so much?” says the curious shopper.
“Oh because this bird knows the Talmud and all of the major rabbinic commentaries.”
The customer then notices a parrot in a platinum cage and asks “how much for that one?”
The owner says, “£100,000.”
“Wow! What does that bird know?”
asks the man.
“I have no idea,” says the shop owner.
“But those other two parrots call him
The animals went in…
Noah would have been proud of Dr Andrew Monchar. Much like the Biblical saviour, Dr Monchar BSc (Hons) BVetMed MRCVS welcomes creatures of all shapes, sizes and varieties to his Finchley veterinary centre, Two By Two, which is smaller than an ark, but better equipped.
Administering care to animals of all kinds was always Andrew’s intention when he opened his small independent practice, so your pet could find itself sharing the waiting room with a tubby tortoise, tiny terrier or a mesmerising monitor lizard.
Predominantly treating cats, dogs, hamsters, rats, guinea pigs and birds, in recent months Two By Two has also been on the front line for issuing Animal Health Certificates, which have replaced pet passports – and you’d be amazed where these animals go. “Pets have been taking a lot of holidays – probably more than most people,” confirms Saskya Monchar, Two By Two’s business manager and the vet’s wife. “We had a hurry on papers for a dog who was travelling to America in a private jet and then there was the snake…” It turns out even exotic creatures get to go to exotic locations and the snake needed paperwork (they’ve ditched the pet passport) to slink off to foreign climes with its owner. Dr Monchar has yet to see any of the reptile’s holiday snaps but, as Saskya says: “Our practice is warm, friendly and fairly priced, so sharing is encouraged.”
The Monchars’ four-year-old son, Ariel, is already thinking about becoming a vet, but has yet to fathom all the letters after his dad’s name. With the practice growing – “There were three of us last year and now we have a staff of eight” – Ariel might need to qualify sooner than expected.
www.twobytwovets.co.uk T: 020 3865 8905
Help support Avi Solomon (and his dog), who took part in the London Marathon. You can donate at www.gofundme.com/f/2021-london-marathon-team-avi
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