'Mazeltov to Rachel on the birth of her second bubbula'

‘Mazeltov to Rachel on the birth of her second bubbula’

Every day at the moment, I find myself asking: “What the bloomin’ ‘eck is going on?” Especially when beautiful people like Peaches Geldof, who went from facetious wild child to exemplary mother overnight, are taken from this world so soon.

It makes you want to hold your loved ones so close, all the time. That is why I have vowed to stop being mean to Hetty. From now on, I will laugh at all her jokes, even the sick one she made this week about the passing of film legend Mickey Rooney, whose weeds, she said, must have overgrown because he didn’t “Ava Gardner”. She’s not well.

My favourite hairnet wearer in the world, Maureen Lipman, came under fire this week, would you believe? By none other than that lunatic UKIP leader Nigel Farage, who says the BT ads Maureen did in the 80s in which she encouraged her grandson to get an “ology” are to blame for too many people having degrees these days. Oy.

Now I am convinced he has bottom Tourette’s. I mean, honestly, what the bloomin’ eck is goin on?! Nige, you are a right div.

Rachel Stevens: 'The pretty one from S Club 7'

Rachel Stevens: ‘The pretty one from S Club 7’

Nachas all round for the pretty one from S Club 7 – Rachel Stevens – who is 35. WHAT? Yes, 35. Nearly as old as me! Anyway, mazeltov to Rach on the birth of her second bubbula, who was born last week and is called Minnie Blossom Bourne. Fair enough. With a name like Minnie, it’s worth making sure she doesn’t get obese.

And here I was sitting like a lulav waiting for Rach to bring out another belter like Sweet Dreams My LA Ex.

My final thought is about actor Jason Biggs, whose Twitter page I visited this week. About himself, he writes: “The Jewiest looking non-Jew”. This, in particular, makes me ask: What the bloomin ‘eck is goin’ on? When a man looks that Jewish but isn’t.

If you have someone you cannot believe isn’t Jewish, twitter me @mrsfrankowitz.

See you soon. Ach and vey.