"Ashton Kutcher is rubbing Malden salt into Demi’s broken heart."

“Ashton Kutcher is rubbing Malden salt into Demi’s broken heart.”

As festival season approaches, I finally pulled my finger out and bought a diary from WH Smiths after an embarrassing incident at the dentist. To cut a long story short, I didn’t know what day it was. Think the miserable receptionist thought I’d gone meshuggena but, ach, I told her, I’ve never known or cared what day it is.

Anyway, I will be doing all the festivals this year: Glastonbury, Reading, Secret Garden Party, but not Yom Kippur as it is not as fun.

Speaking of festivals – oy vey. I went to see Scarlett Johansson in that new one Under The Skin, at the Glasgow film festival. I can honestly say it was the most taxing two hours of my life – more taxing than learning how to work my DVD player. I had no idea she plays a flippin’ alien. What a lovely face, though; I think she is a modern day Marilyn Monroe but Hetty says she is ugly. I think Hetty is ugly.

This cannot be a fun week for Demi Moore from Ghost and Indecent Proposal. When that chiselled lothario, Ashton Kutcher, left her for Jewish Ukrainian beauty, Mila Kunis, I wept for three whole days. Not out of happiness. The chutzpah! After all that hard work she put in to stay looking young, he went and left her for stunning Mila. “How could a schmuck be so schmuckish?”

Ashton & Mila are expecting a baby

Ashton & Mila are expecting a baby

I implored, over and over again. And to make matters worse, they are now set to be an on screen couple too in that show Two And A Half Men, which is on comedy central 24 hours a day. That really is like rubbing Malden salt into Demi’s broken heart. On telly.

I have so much respect for Chloe Green, daughter of Topshop tycoon, Philip, for launching her own shoe range at Topshop. I had no idea she was a cobbler. Hetty says the whole thing is a load of cobblers, but I told her she’s not being clever or funny saying that. I have never met Philip, but I think we are a similar age so would be willing to go for a curry and a cola with him sometime. If he wants.

Mrs F’s final thought –- Bill Gates has taken his children’s trust funds away to teach them a lesson about money. Is that fair? And, if they’re not having it now… can I?

• What do you think? Tweet me @mrsfrankowitz (Stephen Fry & Piers Morgan did last week! Blimey)